badbadzoot's Diaryland Diary


a tale of woe about my dad and his retardedness...


I think I'm just going to tell everyone "SCREW YOU!" and freaking elope.

My grandmother: my father's mother, is all freaking out because I'm not asking my father to walk me down the aisle. She says it's just a small thing and it's tradition, and do it for tradition's sake and it would mean soooo much to my father.


She is totally being biased because my father is her baby boy. I don't care though!

My parents divorce was very ugly.

Very ugly.

They were both in the wrong, and neither of them was a saint throughout the whole thing. They both had their side of the story and then there is the truth, and only God knows what the truth is in the matter.

The only thing my father did for me was give my mother that needed "X" chromosome to make me a girl.

Thanks dad.

Because of that you should have the right to walk me down the aisle!

I don't think so.

Yes I'm still a bit bitter about the whole divorce and him not being there and him not even ATTEMPTING to be a part of my brothers' and I lives. I'm still hurting. I'm not angry anymore. And I'm not living my life in anger and bitterness anymore. I've even forgiven my dad, to an extent. I know I haven't forgiven him fully because I don't want him to walk me down the aisle. I don't think it's his right. In my eyes it is a place of honor. He has not been very honorable to me, my mother, or my brothers.

And I don't know what he's told my grandmother, but she seems to think my dad wanted the marriage to work out and go through marriage counselling. I have a hard time believing it. The way he's acted for over 13 years tells me otherwise.

My mother told me that he has asked her for a divorce numerous times AND that they did go to marriage counselling and he didn't want to go! So one day she gave him a divorce, and he was surprised! Well damn dad! If you kept asking her, why do you think she wouldn't do it??? My mother is a very headstrong, independent woman. And my dad was a tad controlling. Those two don't mix very well. It was for the best that they got a divorce.

And I can see that my grandmother is still bitter about it too because my dad was all set to go to college, but mom got knocked up right before her high school graduation and dad felt he was obligated to marry her. You don't marry a person out of "obligation". Charles and Di did that. And look where it got them?

Dad didn't go to college. Mom didn't go to college. They got married and had three kids. They were both very young and very immature. Then they grew up.

My dad still is immature. He still doesn't take responsibility for his actions. He doesn't pay his bills. He loses other people's property. He drinks beer by himself in the basement. He went through two other very immature relationships and had gotten taken through the cleaners with that. I'm sorry my father makes bad decisions. It's not my fault. And because he makes bad decisions I should reward him with having the pleasure of walking me down the aisle? (yes, the pleasure, becuase I AM DA BOMB).

The whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.

My grandmother says it would mean the world to my dad, but he won't say it because he doesn't express his feelings like that. Well maybe he should start? She says that my dad paid child support until we each turned 21. Yeah. He paid child support voluntarily until he didn't feel like it anymore. Then the state had to garnish his wages. And he got off cheap too. I know that the government is taking a lot more money out for child support nowadays.

And let's not forget the time when I needed braces, because my dentist said that my jaw is deformed and teeth weren't coming in right, and if I didn't get this done I would have jaw problems in adult hood. Dad didn't want to pay for braces so he took me to get a second opinion. That dentist said the same thing, my jaw was deformed. I needed this. You know what my loving and doting father said?

"Oh- she can't wait until she turns 21?"

Meaning he didn't want to pay for it. Even though it was important to my health and well-being.

Thanks dad.

I got the braces. Mom paid for half, and Grandma (dad's mom) paid for the other half.

And how about my high school graduation? He says he couldn't get time off. Puh-lease. I don't believe any boss is that cold and callous that they wouldn't let my father come to his only daughter's high school graduation. But he came to my 8th grade graduation, so I guess that makes up for it?

He didn't tell his own kids that he was getting married again. Crazy Aunt told us weeks after it happened. They eloped. But it still would have been nice knowing we were getting a step-mother. She was a nut job too. She "was" a stripper- of the "taking the clothes off to strange men" kind. They divorced two years later.

He didn't come to my college graduation either. But he goes to my cousin's??

Right after the divorce he had overnight weekend visits every other weekend. And he picked us up religiously for a while. Then it just stopped. So I started calling him asking if we could come over. My brothers wouldn't call him. They never called him. I always called. Always. Then I got tired of calling. And the visits just stopped.

He never called. Never. I think it was because he was afraid my mom might talk to him. Or that she wouldn't let us talk to him. Which is pure bullshit because I called him all the time. I honestly don't know what was going through his head all those years.

And quite frankly I don't give a damn anymore.

Gawd I'm so sorry this entry is so long and is all about my dumb dad. But when I read my Grandma's email, it just pissed me off and made all these old feelings surface.

I just don't care.


I'm wearing earrings today. Dangly ones too.

9:07 a.m. - 2006-06-15


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