badbadzoot's Diaryland Diary


some ramblings and other stuff.....

I hate computers.

They suck.

My work computer was acting up all day yesterday.

Stupid computers.

Mr. B is going back to school.

Did I tell you that? I can't remember. But anywho- he's starting online classes for Information Technology, so then he'll be around stupid computers allllll day like me. But I'm not an IT person. So. Yeah.

He starts later this month. I had to finish up some application stuff for him online and I now know his password to his e-mail and Myspace!! Mwah hahahhahahahhahahahahaaaa!!! To make it fair, I told him mine, but I have a different password for every online account I have. His is all the same. So it will be harder for him to remember mine than it will be for me to remember his. So now I can really keep an eye on him! Not that he's doing anything he shouldn't be doing.

Last night I asked him if there was anything he was scared about, or concerned about, going into this marriage. He's scared of me cheating on him. I assured him I will not. Ever. And he knows this. I'm a Scorpio (and I think horoscopes are dumb). I'm too loyal for my own good. I'll stay at a job I HATE just because I feel I need to stay there out of obligation and loyalty. Not that I'm going to hate our marriage. I'm juss sayin'....

He also tells me he has thoughts sometimes when he's not with me, if this is what he wants. But then when he is with me, he KNOWS this is what he wants. But that scares me a little. Him having those questions when he's not with me. Because my crazed-woman mind thinks that it would be a doorway for him to cheat. Because if he's by himself God-knows-where, having those thoughts, and a pretty girl comes by and starts flirting with him. Who's to say what will happen?

But I must trust him. I must have faith that his past is his past and that does not determine who he is now or is trying to be. And he's trying to be a good "husband" and man of God. And I do trust him. Being a woman, sometimes it's hard because women are crazy. And have crazy thoughts. And it's hard to keep them in check. So all you guys out there: women like to be reassured of your intentions and feelings. All the time. We like to be treated special. All the time. And that's just the way our mind works.

Last night I had a crazy dream that I had a baby. A baby girl at that. The only other person I recognized in my dream was my mother. First I was at the hospital, I had the baby, but I didn't dream of the labor, one minute it's just me, the next I have a baby in my arms. And it's a girl and she is absolutely gorgeous. I go to a house and people are there including my mom and everyone wants to hold the baby. But when I'm near the baby or touch the baby she gets all excited and wants me to hold her. It was kind of a weird dream. Mr. B wasn't there, but I knew he was the father. And that was that.

I had this dream because Mr. B freaked me out last night. We did the dirty and afterwards he was concerned that the condom might have broke. But it didn't. He checked it out. Oh damn. That would really suck if I got pregnant now. Only three more months until we're married. But still. We don't need a baby NOW. Not that if I got pregnant by accident that we wouldn't welcome him/her. We would welcome a baby with open arms. But right now, I'm back in school, Mr. B is starting school, we're barely making ends meet. It would be very hard.

Hmm. I think I'll have a talk with Mr. B and tell him we need to stop until we're married. But that will be very hard for Mr. B. Because he's a guy, and now we're used to it. And if he has a craving I'm not going to deny him. Oh what a tangled web I weave.... sorry God!!!

It'll be alright. I have to stop living my life trying to please others. Because if I got pregnant now, my mom would be very disappointed, along with some other people. Sheesh. Sorry! I'm sorry I'm not the saint everyone wants me to be! I'm sorry I'm not perfect! I'm sorry I have feelings and emotions and hormones rushing through my body! I'm sorry I'm human!

"Let him who has no sin cast the first stone..."

So all those people can leave me alone.

Fer real yo.

I hafta pee really bad, drinking too much water this early in the morning!!! So I'll see y'all later!!

I'm not perfect!!!

9:11 a.m. - 2006-06-14


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