badbadzoot's Diaryland Diary

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oh what a tangled web we weave

Another glorious Friday has come upon us my good people! And I shall embrace this day with much rejoicing! Horrah! Better yet, HUZZAH!

I've missed that word...

Huzzah!

Today I shall indulge myself a bit and talk about Mr. B and I. I haven't really talked about "us" lately, because I have told him of this here diary and he is a bit uncomfortable with me talking about him on here.

yeah.

well.

I'm going to talk about us, because DANG IT! This is a DIARY! So I need to talk about PERSONAL THINGS IN WHICH I RECIEVE MUCH LOVELY AND APPRECIATED ADVICE FROM YOU PEEPS!

Things have been a bit rocky lately, but never fear! For he is stuck with me no matter what and we are still getting married! I'm no coward and I'm not going to run away just because something is not going my way! So there. I'll be damned if I become a statistic....

anywho

These events have happened some weeks ago, and things have been better sooo.....

I am well aware that guys watch porn. Naughty little boys. I've always known that since I first became aware of sex in general. Being that Mr. B is my first serious relationship (yes he is my first boyfriend, and my last, that's how I've always planned it...) I've never had to deal with my significant other looking at porn or anything of the like.

I'm just going to try to get to the point here, because I know I do ramble on sometimes, like now.....

A lot of you know I am a virgin. I'm 25 and I'm a virgin and I'm proud of it. I'm not saying it's been easy, because I am human and I've got feelings too, but I am and Mr. B is not. I can see it's been hard for him because I want to wait until we're married and he respects that and wants to wait also.

I know it's been hard for him, so to indulge himself he's been looking at porn on the internet without telling me. I found out when I have *ahem* stumbled upon a site he had visited once. He says it's an outlet for the feelings he has for me, he says he would rather do that than take his feelings out on me and break that promise I made to myself. Because let me tell you, if he wanted to, I would have let him already. So I appreciate that he's trying to control himself, in his own way.

I've talked to pinkbowshoe a bit about this already, and she gave me some good advice and insight, but I feel I need to let this out of my system!

Okay, so he looks at porn. I particularly have no desire to watch porn, so even after we're married and have run out of exciting ideas, then maybe I will watch it. But that won't probably be until we've reached our mid-life crises.

What really bothered me though is that I've found he had made a MySpace profile. He has one already. But he made another one. I caught him using that profile once and he told me that it was for contacting old friends in Kansas. Okay. Whatever. His display name wasn't his name (it was "guess it" ??) and he only had like 8 friends. I was curious about it. I had this gut feeling that something else was going on with that profile and I was really anxious to find out what it was. Because a girl should never ignore her gut instinct. It's usually right.

One day while at work I searched on MySpace and found his other profile. It freaked me out and I must have stared at it for like EVER. Because his profile was nothing like the Mr. B I know. Now- you must understand that Mr. B is a very sexual person. Yes, he is a guy. Guys are driven by what pinkbowshoe says, "their other head", which is hilarious because it's true. But this profile took the whole "looking at porn" thing to the next level.

He made his profile look like he was not involved (and not getting married!) and looking for a relationship with a fun girl. That really upset me. That he would go out of his way to do that. Yes I know MySpace has soft porn on there, which makes me sick because those girls are only teenagers. Some of the friends he had on there I knew were legitimate friends from Kansas, but there were also some girls on there that I KNEW he did NOT KNOW, and their profiles were just full of soft porn.

It made me really really upset and I tried to hint about it so he can come clean himself, but he didn't. So then I started crying. He still didn't admit that he was using that MySpace to look at porn and probably talk dirty with some girls, I mean, he knew that I knew. But it would have felt better if he just admitted it. He did apologize and after much talking and pestering, he finally deleted that stupid profile a few weeks later.

Now that was out of the way, but I fear there was still a little problem going on. Mr. B likes to talk dirty, that's his thang. Okay fine. Some time ago he downloaded onto my computer AIM (America On-line Instant Messenger) because he said some of his friends have it (which I know of one that does) and he also made a new e-mail address that he says he uses for when he orders junk and registers for websites online. Fine fine FINE! Moving along, I went on my computer last night and AIM was on, Mr. B was in the shower, and it seems he was about to have a conversation with someone named "chickadee" which I can only assume is a girl.

I went online and did my thang- checked e-mail and junk. And when Mr. B got out of the shower he came upstairs to visit with me. I asked him who "chickadee" was and his face turned sour and he said he had no idea who that was. I was like "well it looks like you were about to have a conversation with this person, all I want to know is who this person is! No big deal...", because the last thing I want is to turn into a psycho girlfriend that freaks out about everything....

He continued to say he didn't have a clue who that was, and he was very adamant about it. So I believe him, but I'm sorry that I still felt suspicious, because he was starting the conversation with her! All it was:
Mr.B: howws it goin (he's a terrible speller and typer)

that was it.

He started the convo.

Yet he has no idea who that person was.

Isn't that just strange?

So we had a very long talk last night and he doesn't want to hurt me and he wants me to trust him, and I do trust him and I know he would never do anything to purposefully hurt me or spite me. He says that I shouldn't trust him and that he doens't blame me for not trusting him. And that wasn't the point. I do trust him. Oh gosh, we had such a long talk. I do love him and he loves me and he's so scared of screwing up. He beats himself up so bad. He thinks he's going to screw up because his father was a player and so was his grandfather. Actually, his grandfather died at a young age, while married, he was screwing around with this young girl and her mother. The mother found out and shot him. Heh. Maybe Mr. B thinks I'm going to kill him, because he keeps saying that he will kill himself if he ever actually cheated on me....

I was thinking of just cancelling the internet at my house altogether. But I don't want him to think I don't trust him, because I think then he might say "well she doesn't trust me, so the hell with it...". But I know he would never do that. On purpose. Hurt me. In reality, he never puts himself in that kind of situation, being alone with another woman. He's always with me or at work.

*sigh*

oh what a tangled web we weave...

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ZOOT:
I made my cat a MySpace profile. I was bored.

2:01 p.m. - 2006-05-05

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